As a child I spent a lot of time with my family, this was good for me because it was just me and my mum at home, so I particularly enjoyed spending time with my cousins and other kids my age.
As much as I enjoyed these times, I would say I was quite reserved. Even as a teenager I was never the loudest in the group and often got labelled as ‘shy’, but that wasn't the case, I was more of an introvert and often struggled to speak to new people and participate in large groups. Moreover, the kind of personality I had didn’t really fit in with the people I was around the most, as a result, I often felt misunderstood; like I didn’t fit in and like I wasn’t always being heard because I wasn’t the loudest in the room.
I was introduced to the Christian faith from a very early age and regularly attended the church I was christened in with my grandmother. Although religion was a big part of my life, at that time I didn’t want to be in church. I believed there was a God, but I struggled to find connections within the church, and didn’t like the religious side of it.
When I was 7 years old, my life as I knew it changed, my parents decided to get back together after separating when I was a baby (which was strange because we didn't have a close relationship). Then shortly after that, they got married, although I was happy to have my parents together, I struggled with the changes. I went from a single parent home, to now living with both parents and then just before starting high school we moved to a new house in a predominantly white area.
It was a lot to take in; I had to adapt to an environment that I didn’t fit into. Then I went to high school and although it was more familiar (culturally speaking) and closer to my friends and family, I felt like I struggled to find my tribe.
I would say up until about the age o14, I was a good kid (cheeky but good). Although, this is around the time the peer-pressure kicked in and I started to rebel. I started drinking and smoking cigarettes and weed; this was also around the time I had my first panic attack. My behaviour started to get worse, and because I struggled in my lessons, in order to cope, I started to be disruptive in class and disrespectful to teachers which was a cause for concern for my parents. As a result, I felt like I had a target on my head, like nothing I did was good enough, and even when I wasn’t the one to blame, I felt like I got the blame.
When I left school, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do, I felt like my options were limited because of my grades, in the end I decided to go to college to do a beauty therapy course. During this time, I had more freedom, and it was at this point that I decided to leave the church. I also stayed away from home a lot more during my college days as the arguments became more frequent with my parents so I did everything I could to be in the area where my friends and family were as I felt more connected and represented there. In hindsight I know God and my parents were trying to protect me from further exposure to violence and trauma. But I just saw it as a punishment and wanted to be free. However, this rebellion only led me further away from purpose and closer to painful choices….
So, at the age of 17 I became sexually active, and before I knew it, I was 18 and pregnant by a guy I barely knew…At the time I just remember feeling complete shock; it was not the news I was expecting.
Thoughts in my head….
The first thing that came out my mouth was “I can’t keep it” I had so many more thoughts racing through my head; panic and anxiety had truly set in “I can’t tell my parents” “my mum will kill me” “What will people think?!” “I don’t want a baby yet” “I just want to live my life and have fun” It was a whirlwind of emotions with no time to process, and no time to listen to my heart.
To be honest I didn’t need more time, I was in the clinic when I found out, so it was easy to just arrange the abortion appointment then and there. In my mind, the sooner I booked the termination, the sooner I could get on with my life... after all, I was only a few weeks when I found out so to me it wasn’t a baby yet “just a clump of cells”....so I thought.
When I think about the experience, I just remember laying on the bed in the hospital after taking the second abortion pill and getting emotional when I saw the blood in the bed pan and one of my friends coming towards me to comfort me after I disposed what came out of me down the toilet. I don’t recall any medical staff supporting me or checking me over after the procedure. Had my two friends not been there with me I don't know how I would have got through it - everything before and after that moment I blocked out of my mind.
That is it I thought…it is over, I can move on.
Everything before and after that moment I blocked out of my mind.
But this was far from the truth…
From then on, I had to suppress every emotion in order to cope. I tried to carry on as normal, I really did. The truth is though, nothing was normal, everything had changed. I had changed, the way l viewed life and people had changed…. Nothing was the same.
Following on from this, I became an angry person, I would have outbursts of rage and got into arguments; things just spiraled, the drinking got worse; I started smoking weed again even though I knew it was making me more anxious. Every opportunity I got I was out with friends; in the clubs, meeting random people; going home with random people.
I just didn’t seem to care about my life (at least that's how it looked) I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone (especially men), but I still managed to allow them to violate me. I was here there and everywhere, living recklessly. And to top it off I didn’t like the job I was in either, but I felt trapped, I didn’t know what else I could do; I didn’t even have the confidence or self-belief to even try to do something new…. the truth is, I felt worthless…with no real purpose…
From then on, I had to suppress every emotion in order to cope. I tried to carry on as normal, I really did. The truth is though, nothing was normal, everything had changed. I had changed, the way l viewed life and people had changed…. Nothing was the same.
I had so many other losses during this period of my life: loss of jobs, friends, hope, self-respect, self-worth, peace. I was always anxious - My life was out of control. I think the moment I realised things were getting out of control was when I had two serious motor accidents, the frustrating thing about it, I knew both could have been prevented but once again I put myself in a 'danger zone' and didn't think about my safety.
Both accidents were very traumatic – it was the thought of being seriously injured (or even worse, dead) that really scared me - I lived in fear after this...
The only thing I had the courage to do was to move to another city and that’s only because of how much distrust I had for people in my own town; I felt like I had been violated way too many times. I was at my wits end, and I knew something wasn’t right within, but if you had told me it was connected to the abortion I would have laughed in your face and told you “Don’t be so ridiculous, it was my choice so how could I be depressed about something that was the best thing for me, and not even a baby yet?” That is the lie I told myself ‘My body, my choice’ but it was easier to say this because if I didn’t say this then I would have to admit that I did something I said I’d never do….
At this point in my life, I felt like I was moving forward - I got myself a new job, met new people. Life was good. For at least six weeks that is, until the same problems followed me.
For the first time in my life, I felt truly alone, I hated my job, I didn’t really connect with the people. I found myself having breakdowns (which became more frequent when I got made redundant). Eventually, after an encounter with God that brought me to His feet, and to my knees; I made the decision to let go of my pride and go back home – It felt like a real-life prodigal son moment.
“Eventually, after an encounter with God that brought me to His feet, and to my knees; I made the decision to let go of my pride and go back home – It felt like a real-life prodigal son moment.”
I knew if I was to go back home this time things would have to change, I had to do things differently; I had to do things Gods way. I told myself I had tried my way, and it never seems to work out. Well from that moment on, God started to speak, and most importantly, I listened.
During this time, He brought me to a place of stillness, and he began to direct me to job roles I’d never even considered doing (little did I know this was all part of his plan and my purpose). This involved work with school children and young adults some of which was within my parents charity. I was amazed at how much I enjoyed these different kinds of roles, I also developed in confidence because of the skills and experience I was gaining.
As I began to settle back into Manchester living, a friend of mine invited me to visit her church as I had mentioned to her that I was looking for one to join. I knew if I was going to go back to church after ten years of not being in one, it would have to be a different kind of church to the one I grew up in and a different experience. And it was just that, it was a huge culture shock to be honest, it was so different from what I knew, but I liked it, and everyone seemed so friendly, and the teaching was good too - so I kept going back and on 13th September 2015 (just over a year after my return home) I got baptised.
Things were going well, I loved my job, I was gaining more confidence, my faith in God was growing; I really started to believe my future was bright, and I was expecting great things.
But in 2017 I had an encounter with God in a bible study meeting that marked me forever. All I will say is, I felt the weight of despair (I didn’t even know I was carrying) lift out of my soul like a spinning tornado…. this was the first time I’d had a supernatural encounter. From that day on, God began to reveal to me that the pain and trauma that I had buried so deeply, needed to be dealt with.
"I felt the weight of despair (I didn’t even know I was carrying) lift out of my soul like a spinning tornado…. this was the first time I’d had a supernatural encounter."
A year later in 2018 I was invited to a women’s breakfast meeting by a lady from church. What I didn’t know was this meeting was a divine appointment, orchestrated by God for me to meet the lady who would lead me to truth.
“And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free”. John 8:32
What came from that conversation was me being led to do a pregnancy counselling skills course at the pregnancy centre the lady I met worked at. (Although what I didn’t know at the time was that God would use this course to reveal to me the truth about abortion). Jesus said in John 8:32 “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” - Was I about to be free?
On the course, I learned about the science behind conception and the developing fetus, I learned about abortion procedures and the effect abortion has on women’s physical, emotional and mental health, and I also learned what the bible says about life and death too.
It was all too much; I didn’t want to continue because it made me uncomfortable. The scales were truly being lifted from my eyes, and for the first time in thirteen years I felt guilty for what I had done. I could no longer deny the humanity of that baby, regardless of the stage of development it was a human-being, created in the image of God and this truth was hard to bear.
“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” Psalms 139:13-16 NLT
“So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” Genesis 1:27 NKJV
A Season to Heal
I would say that the course was the catalyst to my own healing journey. The further I travelled on this healing journey, the more God poured out His love on me and showed me compassion. I learned about His righteousness, grace and mercy - this helped me to no longer feel condemned and it led me to repent for what I had done. Like the saying goes “He can’t heal what you don’t reveal” Whilst on the course, I read a book called a ‘A Season to Heal’ this book was a true God send, it was the first time I learned about Post Abortion Stress (PAS) and as I read through the list of symptoms and emotions, I was surprised at how many of them I connected with.
A season to heal helped me to recognise how the experiences I had as a child and the messages, thoughts and words spoken over me by myself and others (or not spoken over me due to lack of affirmations) gave me a distorted view of myself, which unfortunately made me unable to see the value in the child I chose to abort.
Shame tells you “You are a mistake” God was telling me “I’m not a mistake, I made a mistake” and there is forgiveness for that.
My thoughts were “I’m a mistake, so is this baby” I now know the enemy used this lie to keep me from knowing my identity and to prevent me from believing God had a purpose and plan for my life because I was also conceived through an unplanned pregnancy – I now know this is a lie and we must expose the lies when we know the truth! Shame tells you “You are a mistake” God was telling me “I’m not a mistake, I made a mistake” and there is forgiveness for that.
The lies were gradually being exposed through God’s word. One of the verses that stood out to me was Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you [and approved of you as My chosen instrument], And before you were born I consecrated you [to Myself as My own]; I have appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5 AMP
For the first time in my life, facing the pain and being forced to admit my wrong-doing and sitting in those feelings, was helping me find my identity in Christ. I wasn’t a mistake, and neither was the baby I conceived, God already knew about both conceptions; they were no surprise to Him and it’s the same for any pregnancy (planned or unplanned). He formed us all and has a purpose for our lives.
Throughout the year 2019 I had a lot of time to think and ponder on what I did. It was probably the hardest year I’ve experienced, everything around me came crashing down. It was very overwhelming and my faith was really being tested. Having said that, I know now God allowed difficult circumstances to unfold to give me the time to heal and grieve the loss, and it was a good time to develop my character too.
I thought I was strong all those years, but now I know, I wasn’t strong, I was numb.
During this time, I spend days in bed, sometimes not even being able to get up and shower, my body knew what was happening, but I didn’t have the language (or self-awareness) to know I was grieving and depressed. As far I was concerned if I was still getting up and doing what I needed to do, I was okay. This is how I lived my life. I thought I was strong all those years, but now I know, I wasn’t strong, I was numb.
I heard Niki Hilton say in a documentary “They say with trauma the mind may forget but the body never does, and it will come out” Well it sure did come out and it came out hard and heavy….
“He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His names sake.” Psalms 23:2-3
So fast forward to 2020 and we are in a global pandemic, everything shuts down and l am trying to process all this new information, not just from the training but from my own research which led me to listen to other women’s stories about abortion and keep up to date with pro-life campaigns and abortion issues. But ultimately, what it did was make me want to expose the truth about abortion and what it does to women and babies and that’s what I began to do.
Although this was all happening, I still didn’t feel like I needed to seek counselling, especially not at a group retreat (I was too private for that) I didn’t like the idea of being vulnerable with a bunch of strangers. But God had a plan, and He was gently nudging me to make an important call.
A month before covid, I attended a pro-life conference and heard a talk from a lady called Rachel who had an abortion. I felt so seen when I heard her speak, I found out she led a retreat called Rachel’s Vineyard for people dealing with abortion trauma, so I took her card, but I didn’t even consider going.
But there was that gentle nudge from the Holy Spirit again…
As we got closer to the end of the year, I knew I needed to do something because I was struggling emotionally. So, in October 2020 I finally made the call; this was the first time I said out loud “I’ve had an abortion” it felt so weird because I hadn’t acknowledged it for 15 years. I didn’t even have the courage to tell my parents until after I went to the retreat, so to say those words out loud made it seem more real.
The following month (November 2020) whilst the Government was telling everyone not to leave their houses, I headed to somewhere near the Midlands to deal with my abortion trauma...
I can honestly say it was worth it. I didn’t leave the same way I came in. To have a safe space to share and mourn my loss with other men and women who have been through a similar experience helped me understand my emotions, feel validated and give me the strength to move forward and release the past.
“You have given me beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for my mourning.” Isaiah 61:3
The best thing about all this is I now work for the organisation that I did the training course with all those years ago, and I am counselling women who have had abortions and helping women in a pregnancy crisis. It really is a miracle that I made it to this point. I never would have imagined I would be doing anything connected to abortion. One thing for sure, I know I couldn’t have done any of this without God’s love and the Holy Spirit’s help.
I can now say I have found my purpose; God used my pain to propel me into that purpose. And because I stepped out in faith, and trusted Gods plan for my life, I am now walking on the path He chose for me. Has it been easy? Not at all, but if you asked me if it has been worth it, my answer would be, absolutely. To know that there is support out there and people who want to help women make an informed decision about their unplanned pregnancy is amazing. Had I known about this kind of support back then, who knows I may have had a different outcome.
The great leader Nelson Mandela once said “May your choices reflect your hopes not your fears” my choice reflected my fears, not my future or my hopes.
We all must make choices in life but some choices we make can change the whole trajectory of our lives and it’s not always for the better!
May your choices reflect your hopes not your fears - Nelson Mandela
Granted, the one thing that left me in bondage and cycles of denial, anger and shame is now the very thing that God has used to help restore hope and purpose: not just into my life, but into the lives of others too! I want anyone who has had an abortion to know that there is hope and healing after abortion. However, to receive this healing and freedom, you must first admit your pain.
God had to take me back to the place that caused me the most pain so I could heal. I thought I could run away from it. I ran for over a decade, but here I am today facing it and sharing it with you, which is something I never thought I would do! but I know I must do so because it’s not about me. And for many of us, our pain is our purpose!
“God took me back to the place that caused me the most pain so I could heal.”
It’s been a long road to recovery, but I haven’t come this far to turn back now. I must use my voice, because for years I felt silenced by fear and shame, but I know I need to magnify His name - God is faithful, and He wants us to be free so we can be who He created us to be.
God loves you too much to leave you in the state you are in!
I will end with this scripture that I feel summarises this journey and God’s grace and mercy in all this so well:
“I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces” Psalms 34:4-5
Love, grace, & peace
Satisha xoxo
Choose Life Ministries
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